Legacy of Kain: Prefiance
by Popeland
Summary: Proof that the outcome is never as interesting as the route taken. Chapter 3 lives! Please review!
1. Chapter 1

Popeland: Yes, it's a fic. A fic by me  
And it's set before Defiance  
Bet you didn't see that one coming!!  
Yes, this is a montage of various fic ideas I've had. And instead of writing them all separately I've decide to merge them together in one super Story!  
Or so the legend goes...  
  
Anyway I do not own LoK  
LoK standing for Legacy of Kain not Lumberjacks of Kingstown  
Well, I don't own either of them actually so it's all good  
  
In the depths of Avernus cathedral a dark and ancient ceremony was taking place  
"Ha! Nachtolm street is mine!" Said a hooded Monk enthusiastically as he pointed at the board   
"Damn" muttered a masked Cenobite "how much is that then?"  
"Well I have two Taverns and one Brothel" the Monk said to himself as he calculated "that's 200 gold pieces"  
"Fine" said the Cenobite as he threw some plastic coins over at the Monk " your roll"  
The hooded monk picked up the dice and threw them. He got a five  
"Ha! Said the Cenobite as he saw the Monk land on the pillars "Go to the Demon dimension! Go directly to the demon dimension, do not oppose via ancient magic, do not curse with immortality and sterility!"  
"This game is stupid!" said the Monk as he picked up a book he had by his side  
He opened it and flame burst forth from the pages and destroying the monopoly board  
"Sore loser..." muttered the masked Cenobite  
The giant doors that separated the catacombs from the cathedral swung open and Azimuth walked in  
The two men jumped to their feet  
"Lady Azimuth!" they both said  
"Ah my loyal servants" she said "ready for the summoning?"  
"Yes, lady Azimuth!" they both chimed   
"You have the ancient prophecy and the device of rebirth and deliverance" she asked  
"yes" said the monk as he took a tattered notebook page out of his pocket  
"Got that device of rebirth and deliverance right here" said the Cenobite as he knelt to pick up a rather battered time streaming device that was being held together by string   
"Excellent" said Azimuth as she rubbed her hands together "let the ceremony begin!"  
The Monk cleared his throat and began to read the notebook page/ancient prophecy  
"Great Hash ak Gik! Your power knows no limits! Your name strikes fear into the hearts of all"  
"But yet your name is not a valid word in scrabble!" added the Cenobite  
"Oh mighty hash ak Gik! Can you believe I'm getting this from someone who wouldn't even be able to spell scrabble!"  
"Oh Supreme God! That was a low blow was it not!?"  
"Ahem" said Azimuth threateningly  
"Er, as I was saying" the Monk said quickly "We provide a vessel for you! Find it worthy and come to us!"  
There was silence for a moment  
"Press the button!" the Monk hissed  
"Oh right" said the Cenobite as he pressed the big blue button on the time streaming device  
There was a strange hissing noise and the time streaming device disappeared  
The two men exchanged worried glances  
"Well, where's the vessel?" Said Azimuth impatiently   
"Oh, that .......well....that....." said the Cenobite slowly  
"Will take some time!" said the Monk desperately  
"Yeah! He should be here at the end of toda.." began the Cenobite  
"The week!" interrupted the Monk  
Azimuth looked at the two men who were smiling nervously and sweating profusely  
"Very well, I shall return to this place in a weeks time" she said eventually "do not disappoint me"  
Azimuth walked slowly out of the chamber and the doors swung shut behind her  
"We're screwed" said the Cenobite  
"Definitely" said the Monk as he crumpled up the ancient prophecy and threw it over his shoulder  
"Still, considering I made that time streaming device out of a cereal box, Pva glue and some string I was quite impressed with the thing actually doing something" said the Cenobite thoughtfully  
"You know if we don't have a vessel by the end of the week we're very, very dead"   
"Indeed....."  
"So you go steal a time streaming device from Moebius and I'll write a new ancient prophecy" the Monk suggested  
"That hardly seems fair" Said the Cenobite unhappily  
"I'll let you choose your piece in the next game of monopoly and you can have first go" said the Monk  
"Ha! You fool!" the Cenobite shouted "I was going to do it anyway! The dog piece will be mine!!"  
The Cenobite laughed madly as he ran out of the catacombs  
The Monk scratched his head and gazed into the large pit where the vessel was supposed to appear  
"Well, I guess time streaming devices are a bit trickier to make than we first thought" he mused to himself  
Of course he was wrong  
Miles away in a Coorhagen tavern there was a glimmer of light before a man appeared wearing no clothes  
He looked around for a moment before he walked up to the Barkeeper and said  
"I vill need your clothes and you horse drawn carriage"  
  
In the Sarafan stronghold Mortainius was lying on his bed reading a book  
"Foolish Potter boy" he chuckled to himself "as if he could beat someone with "Mort" in their name"  
He was about to turn the page when he noticed a paper weight float past him  
"Odd" he said to himself  
He then wondered why bubbles came out of his mouth when he attempted to speak  
And was the room supposed to be this blue and rippely?  
It was then he realised  
"MOEBIUS!!" he gurgled angrily as he swam to his door  
He kicked the door down and a deluge of water cascaded into the corridors   
The corridors were eerily silent as Mortainius made his way to Moebius's Time Streaming Chamber  
Because when Mortainius is angry it pays to be eerily quiet  
The giant doors of the Time Streaming Chamber were flung open  
"Moebius!!? Where are you?!" Mortainius screamed  
The chamber was filled with mist but Mortainius could make out a figure in the haze  
"Care to explain why my room is now an extension of the Stronghold Lake?!" Mortainius shouted "You've been messing up the Time Line again haven't you!?"  
"Chill out" said the figure , still obscured by the mist  
"Chill out?! I've been in a room filled with ice cold water for God only knows how long! I think I'm sufficiently chilled!" snapped Mortainius "And get out of that damn mist!"  
The figure emerged from the mist and Mortainius eyes widened in shock   
"Your not Moebius" said Mortainius slowly  
"Oh but I am!" Replied Moebius as he ran his fingers through his afro  
Mortainius stared mutely at him  
"Well I'd love to chat, Morty boy. But I must dash" said Moebius as he breezed past him "Catch you later"  
Mortainius stood with an expression of pure confusion etched onto his face  
"Moebius...... hair....... That surely must be one of the signs of the apocalypse" he thought to himself  
  
Thaddeus was a nobleman. Why? Because he was noble ... and a man  
Oh, and his family had enough money and influence that they could practically buy guardianship of one of the pillars of Nosgoth.   
But apparently they were not rich enough to buy him a surname  
Anyway. It was a quiet day in Coorhagen. Thaddeus sat out side a Tavern drinking a Coors Light and eating some Hagen-Dass because he was in a patriotic mood  
He wondered quietly to himself what noblemen actually did  
Probably something manly.... And noble. But what that was exactly escaped him at the moment  
A young women however broke this train of thought when she sauntered up to him  
"Looking for a good time?" She asked  
"No thanks" said Thaddeus dismissively as he took a swig of some Coors  
"Don't say no until you've seen these!" She said dramatically as she opened up her top  
Thaddeus looked appraisingly at her  
"How much?" he asked eventually   
"10 gold pieces"  
"pah! For that much I want something a whole lot better than those!" as he returned to his ice-cream  
"Are you joking? These are 100% real! She said in an almost insulted tone "go on! Touch one!"   
Thaddeus sighed tiredly before he reached out to touch them  
"Okay, they're real." He said after his inspection "quite nice too"  
"You don't have to tell me that" she said smugly  
"Fine, I'll pay" said Thaddeus as he took a couple of gold pieces out of his pocket "I'll have that one on the right"  
"Excellent choice, Sir" she said as she removed the watch from the inside of her jacket  
"These better keep good time like you promised" said Thaddeus as he strapped the watch to his wrist  
"Oh they will" she assured him "they've all got the time streamer seal of approval"  
Well, nice doing business with you miss..?  
"Umah" she replied  
"Well good day to you miss Umah"  
She smiled at him before she ran off looking for more customers  
Thaddeus returned to his Hagen-Daas and his contemplation of what he'd do with his life  
Moments later he was once again interrupted, this time by a loud crashing noise from inside the tavern behind him  
He was about go inside to investigate when someone on the street shouted at him  
"You!" a peasant hissed, it's eyes glowing with a green luminous light  
"yes?" Said Thaddeus as he turned to face him  
Suddenly two more peasants appeared , their eyes also glowing with a luminous green light  
"Destroy him!" cried the first peasant pointing his finger at Thaddeus  
They screamed and ran at Thaddeus  
In the spilt second Thaddeus had before they would reach him he wondered what was the noble thing to do  
And when that didn't help he grabbed the tub of Hagen-Daas and rammed it down onto the leading peasants head  
The other peasants froze in their tracks and watched him flail around madly  
The peasant screamed as it attempted to remove the ice cream tub from it's head   
"BRAIN FREEZE!! He screamed before he fell to the ground motionless  
Thaddeus compromised on the situation and broke the Coors light bottle over one the other peasants.  
He swayed for a second before he crumpled onto the ground   
Thaddeus laughed triumphantly and turned to face the final peasant  
"Not so tough now, eh?!" Thaddeus shouted angrily  
The peasant suddenly begin to twist and writhe in agony as it mutated into a demonic form  
It's misshapen head smiled at Thaddeus before it swatted him into a wall with it's a flick of it's wrist  
Thaddeus hit the wall with a bone crushing force and he slid slowly to the ground  
The creature began to walk towards him to finish him off.  
That of course didn't happen. A Telekinetic blast flew out of the tavern Thaddeus had been sitting in front of earlier and lifted creature off it's feet and sent it hurtling through the wall of one of the many brothels of Nosgoth  
A man wearing what looked suspiciously innkeeper like clothes and a pair of sunglasses strode out of the tavern. He grabbed Thaddeus hand and pulled him to his feet  
"Come vith me if you vant to live" he said   
Thaddeus didn't know what to do, he didn't want to get crushed into tiny pieces by that creature but then again he didn't want to follow a guy who could send the aforementioned creature though a brick wall  
He didn't get the chance to decide either as the mysterious man lifted him up and threw him up onto a horse drawn cart and together they sped out of the town  
Several minutes later the demonic creature now once again in his peasant from stumbled to his with feet with several lipstick marks on his collar  
It looked out the giant whole in the brothel wall and grimaced as he saw the retreating figure of Thaddeus and the mysterious man  
He then shrugged and decided he'd might as well make the best of the situation   
He then rather enthusiastically returned to the brothel floor  
  
Ariel and Nupraptor strolled happily through the Strongholds garden  
"Nice day" said Ariel happily  
"Yes, I knew it would be a nice day!" Said Nupraptor dramatically  
"Of course you did dear"  
"You doubt my power?!" Said Nupraptor angrily "I'll prove my powers!"  
"No, it's all right" said Ariel quickly but it was too late, Nupraptor had already pulled a spoon out of his pocket  
"Bend! Bend!" He chanted as he stared at the spoon  
Ariel sighed but continued walking. It'd be hours before he stopped that  
She looked around and saw Bane cutting the grass in the corner of the garden  
She was just about to go and talk to him when he was ambushed by a hedge  
Bane liked plants, but the feeling wasn't mutual  
Ariel considered helping him but the plants would just wait till she'd left  
So as she watched Bane get pulled into the undergrowth and Nupraptor attempt to destroy one of the only remaining spoons from the stronghold kitchen she searched for someone to talk to  
Because if she didn't find anyone she'd just start talking to herself and probably lamenting  
Then suddenly, a vision of serene beauty entered the garden.  
Ariel couldn't help but to be drawn towards it  
"Hello Ariel" said Moebius  
"Moebius....... You seem... different" said an awed Ariel  
"No, I think I'm pretty much like I usually am" said Moebius as he whipped out a hairbrush and started to comb his afro  
"You look so much more.... Dashing and confident"  
"Don't I know it babe" replied Moebius as he put on his sunglasses and adjusted his leather jacket "well I'd love to talk but I've got work to do"  
Moebius walked out of the garden, his gold medallion glinting in the sunlight and Ariel stared contentedly after him  
"I did it!" Said Nupraptor as he ran over to Ariel holding up a bent spoon which clearly had been thrown on the ground and stamped on   
"Very nice dear" Ariel sighed as she took her eyes off Moebius   
"Moebius is looking good" commented Nupraptor as they walked out of the gardens of the stronghold and headed home to the retreat  
"Yeah..." said Ariel dreamily   
  
In the spectral mists around the tomb of King William the Just, seven figures could be seen.   
"Personally, I'd expected more from the afterlife" said Melchiah  
"Yeah, like some life" agreed Zephon  
"Or at least a white light" said Raziel  
"You guys didn't get the white light?" Asked King William conversationally  
The Sarafan shook there heads  
"Ah you not missing much" said William dissmissively "You just walk into this light and then you hear this voice taking about a wheel. It just goes on and on and on. I got bored and wandered back here"  
"How did you die anyways?" asked Dumah  
"Oh, got killed by some really ugly looking guy. He just waltzed into my fortress and killed me. How about you guys?"  
"Basically the same. Except our guy was blue" said Rahab  
"And he renounced me!" added Raziel angrily  
The brethren were silent for a moment  
"Makes you wish you knew what renounced meant" commented Zephon  
"Obviously it's when you nounce someone for a second time" said Melchiah   
"I don't recall him nouncing me in the first place" said Raziel indignantly  
"Guys! Could you please stop with the nouncing!" pleaded William  
There was a strange popping noise  
"Anyone hear that?" said Zephon  
"Sounded like a strange popping noise to me" Said William   
The brethren looked around  
"Hey, where's Raziel" said Rahab  
There was another popping noise and the brethren watched as Turel's soul was pulled out of the spectral ether to an unknown destination  
"Oh no! We're all going to die!!" Wailed Dumah  
"We are dead you twit!" Said Rahab  
"Oh yeah"  
There was another pop and this time Rahab, Dumah and Zephon disappeared  
"No this isn't right!" said Melchiah  
"Look just calm down it's...."   
"How come I'm always last!?" Said Melchiah interrupting William  
There was a pop and Melchiah disappeared  
"Huh, guess those guys have gone to a better pla..." William Began  
However William the Just was rudely interrupted by a loud popping noise and his own disappearance  
Some phenomena have no manners  
  
It was a quiet afternoon at Nupraptor's retreat.  
Nupraptor was sitting on his couch doing the crossword while Ariel was frantically sketching pictures of Moebius when there was a knock on the door. Well knock on the giant tooth that acted as the door anyway  
"I knew that would happen!" Nupraptor exclaimed as he leapt to his feet and ran top the door  
Mortainius was standing at the door with a sleeping bag in his hand  
"Ah Mortainius! I knew it was you!"  
"Very nice. Can I stay in your place tonight? My room was flooded"  
"But of course!" Said Nupraptor happily "but first I must show you my power!!"  
"fine" said Mortainius tiredly  
"okay, now.... I'll stop your watch!"  
Nupraptor put his fingers against his head and began to hum  
Mortainius took out his watch from his pocket  
"It seems okay" said Mortainius  
"What!? You didn't concentrate hard enough!" Nupraptor said accusingly "this is all your fault!"  
Nupraptor slammed the door and ran into his retreat crying  
Mortainius sighed. He already asked Dejoule if he could stay at her place, but she was busy looking for Bane and Anarcrothe was hiding in a cupboard as usual.   
All that was left now was Azimuth  
And she was scary  
But come to think of it, so was he  
So logically they should get famously  
Confident in this knowledge Mortainius set off for Avernus  
  
Vorador sat in his mansion with a goblet of blood  
The goblet was empty, but Vorador knew it made him look cool  
He was quiet content to sit there for a few hours looking cool but something was about to change  
There was a strange disturbance coming from Willendorf and it seemed to be centred around one individual. Normally this wouldn't have bothered him, no need to interfere with the affairs of the cattle  
But there was something so powerful, so distinct that it sent a chill down Vorador's spine. He got out of his chair calmly and walked slowly to his library  
Walking past his hundreds of servants whose only purpose was to annoy Kain when he arrived a few years later.  
He entered the library and walked over to a special bookshelf  
He picked the book "A Deep and Comprehensive History of Nosgoth! All mysteries revealed!" and the book shelf swung backwards  
He had made the book activate the secret door because he knew no one in Nosgoth would ever actually want to read the book since that somehow would be cheating.  
He descended a large stairway until he finally reached his destination  
A large mirror stood in front of him  
Vorador cleared his throat and began to speak  
"Mirror, mirror in the pits, who's the man who get all the chicks?"  
"Shaft!" The mirror replied  
Vorador grumbled to himself as he tried to think up a new rhyme question  
"Mirror, mirror that I've found, who's the most attractive guy around?"  
An image of a man appeared on the mirror  
"Excluding Tom Jones!" Said Vorador gruffly  
"But I like Tom Jones!" whined the mirror  
"Just tell me who on Nosgoth is more attractive than me!" said Vorador angrily  
"Ah ah! In rhyme please!"  
Vorador glared at the mirror  
"Er.... Or not" said the mirror as a picture appeared on it's surface  
"No! it's not possible! Moebius!?! But he's so damn good looking!" Vorador gasped as a picture of Moebius dancing in Willendorf's hottest nightclub appeared  
"Ah don't worry, you'll always be the second most attractive creature in Nosgoth" said the mirror reassuringly  
Vorador squinted an looked at the mirror  
"Hey! Those are my wives!" said Vorador pointing at the various figures clinging onto Moebius  
"Oh yeah, look at em go" said a bored mirror  
"No one steals my wives!" Vorador shouted angrily as he ran out of the room  
"See you during you next mid-death crisis!" The mirror shouted after him as it put on it's Tom Jones record  
  
Raziel opened his eyes slowly. Wherever he was it was dark. He felt around in the darkness and realised he seemed to be sealed in some sort of tomb. He concentrated and pushed up against the tombs cover.  
It lifted off easily, far too easily  
Something like that should weigh more  
He sat up in his tomb and looked around the room  
The place had torches on the walls and there seemed to be other tombs in the room  
It was then he looked at his hands  
He stared in mute horror  
"Oh my god! What have I become?!!"  
Hey heard a man laugh in the darkness  
"Who's there?" said Raziel warily  
The man stepped forward grinning at his new creation  
Raziel leapt out of his tomb and in the flickering torch light he realised the true gravity of what had happened  
"You've turned me into a puppet!" Raziel shouted waving a little felt fist at the man  
  
Popeland: Mortainius, Homeless!  
Moebius, Sexy!  
The Sarafan, Puppetised!  
And several unimportant characters doing stuff!  
I can't take the excitement!  
  
Please Review!! 


	2. Chapter 2

Popeland: Yes, Chapter two's up!  
Huzzah! Once again I scoff at the idea of regular updates!  
Scoff! Scoff!!  
Er...yeah.... It's not because I didn't really think any of this through before I posted the first chapter  
Now for some response to reviews, or as I like to call it "Review Response"  
  
Concept of a Demon: Yeah, but 50 great uncompleted stories! I would continue them if I could! But I can't! I'm unimaginative and lazy!   
Which is fun  
  
BearVsChris: Yes, it is a funny bit of fiction! Oh and I'd give Bear some Alcohol but Alcohol tarnishes the soul and clouds the mind  
Well, that and I lost the key to the mini bar.....  
  
Varewulf: Grammatical errors?! Well..... yeah  
I've no excuse! I didn't proof read it!! Forgive me!!  
So I've uploaded a more grammatically correct chapter cause trying to read the original first chapter is verging on the painful sometimes  
Probably still has some mistakes but me and Grammar are like Fire and Lice!!  
Thanks for pointing it out though!  
  
John IX, the UberLord: I've continued! No fisticuffs! No fisticuffs!!  
  
Twillight Tenshi: Finally the respect I so don't deserve! If this keeps up I'll change my name to PopeLord and write ONLY IN CAPITALS!!  
Actually.... That's probably not a good idea  
  
Okay! Onto the second Chapter of story that refuses to leave a space between the Dialogue!  
Cause I want you all to suffer!!  
  
  
  
Inside the Sarafan Stronghold Malek the Paladin was strolling down the corridors. He hummed happily to himself as he twirled his bladed staff in one hand. An unfortunate habit considering the last thing the majority of staff employed the Circle saw was a very sharp blade hurtling towards their head accompanied by happy tune. No one really cared as it was generally agreed that those who couldn't hear faint humming through a 7 inch think wooden door didn't deserve to work in the stronghold   
However during the second verse of "Cry me a Reaver" Malek was knocked over as a figure rushed past him  
"Thief!!" A Sarafan shouted from the doorway behind Malek  
Malek stumbled to his feet and glared at the mysterious figure as he made his hasty escape down the hallway. Malek suddenly realised the true significance of what had happened.   
He had fallen, He was a member of the Circle and he was just knocked over. He fumed with rage. Now he'd have to change that sign on the door of his room saying "Has not let a guardian fall for nearly 500 years" and he'd be damned if someone wasn't going to pay.  
Well damned again anyway....  
  
  
Outside the Sarafan Stronghold a horse and cart full of vegetables waited  
The cart had been stolen from Nachtolm by two men who were currently the Archpriests of Hash Ak Gik  
Namely Duncan, The Monk with a fervent dislike of losing at Monopoly, and Dukitt , The Cenobite with a skill for making arcane objects from string and other such materials  
Duncan at the moment was chewing absentmindedly on a carrot looking out over the horizon  
He wondered if an Ancient Prophecy of Summoning done in song would impress Azimuth more  
He made a mental note to learn how to play the guitar  
Well, after he invented one anyway  
Dukitt the Cenobite clambered up onto the cart breathless  
"I......... got .......it!" he said gasping for air  
"Good! Now were one step closer to not being killed horribly!" said Duncan enthusiastically as he pulled back the reigns of the horse and they started to move slowly forward  
"So you didn't run into any difficulty?" asked Duncan  
"Nah, the Sarafan just shouted things at me" replied Dukitt  
There was a strange metallic clanging noise in the distance  
"You hear that? Asked Duncan  
"Hear what?" said Dukitt who was too busy examining a potato that looked exactly like Nupraptor's head to hear anything  
"Never mind" said Duncan   
But the noise kept getting louder and louder until Duncan finally looked back to see where it was coming from  
"Dukitt, you didn't annoy any animate suits of armour in the stronghold did you?" He asked calmly  
"I don't think so" replied Dukitt as he rooted through the vegetables to find other potatoes that looked like the circle members  
"Well could you please tell him that" Said Duncan as he pointed back at an enraged Malek who was following them at high speeds  
Dukitt looked back over his shoulder and gulped  
"Think we should speed up?" said Dukitt  
"Yes" said Duncan as the horse broke into a gallop  
Malek however was running quicker that Anarcrothe from a fight  
"He's still gaining on us!" Said a distressed Dukitt  
"Throw something at him!!"   
"Throw what?! What!?"  
"Anything!" Said a panic stricken Duncan "The vegetables! Throw them!"  
But it was no use potatoes were swatted out of the air, Turnips bounced ineffectively off armour and horse radishes were trampled under ethereal feet  
"We're all out! We going to die!" cried Dukitt  
"Why haven't you thrown the tomatoes?!" said Duncan  
"There not vegetables..." said Dukitt coldly  
"Just throw them!"  
But it was too late, Malek leapt forward and grabbed onto the back of the cart  
He dug his feet into the ground and the cart slid to a halt  
"Got ya!" said Malek triumphantly  
Duncan yelped and shielded his face with his arms. The next thing he heard was a smashing noise  
"Arghh! My face!!" he screamed  
"Duncan?"  
"Oh! The pain! The pain!"  
"He didn't hit you" said Dukitt plainly  
Duncan stopped writhing for a second to see if these claims were true  
"oh... your right" he said eventually "What was the noise then?"  
"That was me hitting him" said Dukitt smugly  
"You what!?!" said Duncan in disbelief  
"I did! Right on the jaw!......well the place his jaw would have been if he had one"  
"geez, he must have ran off pretty quickly" said Duncan as he searched for any sign of the Paladin  
"Well.... He certainly left in a hurry" said Dukitt nervously  
Duncan stared at him  
"What did you do?" Duncan asked  
"I kinda..... hit him with the Time Streaming device and he just...well.... ...Vanished" Dukitt finished lamely  
Duncan looked down where the Time Streaming device had been  
The chance of them being able to get another Time Streaming device were slim to none  
But then again, they had just gotten rid of the leader of a fanatical religious order who's members would probably hunt them down and kill them both  
"Bugger" said Duncan simply  
  
  
Of course the Time Streaming Device was no longer a problem now  
Roughly three hours had passed since the failed summoning and by now Azimuth had completely forgotten about it  
Azimuth had been gazing into the Demon Dimension for a long time now and she'd felt sorry for them so she'd ordered her followers to set about planning their return. But the Demon Dimension can begin to become a bit tedious. By now a new dimension had enthralled her and Her interest in the Hylden had nearly completely vanished. Cause people with more than two eyes can be very fickle things  
"No Jean Luc! It's a Borg trick!" She said as she gazed into the a dimensional rift  
She made a mental note to send someone to find some Dilithium crystals that could power the warp drive of a Federation Starship  
It was then Mortainius strode into Azimuth's private chambers  
"Hello Azimuth" he said in the most polite voice he could manage, which at this at the moment was a restrained loathing  
"Mortainius" she said as she turned to look at him while keeping one eye on the dimension rift, which isn't that hard when you've got three  
"My room is flooded. Can I stay here?" he asked simply  
"Oh yeah, whatever" said Azimuth airily as she returned to watching the events of the Star Trek dimension  
"Thank you" said Mortainius as he picked up his sleeping bag and wandered off down a hallway  
Minutes later he arrived at an enormous door that was guarded by a lone man dressed in a red uniform. An hour ago he had been dressed as a Cenobite but you don't last long in the Avernus Cathedral if you can't adapt quickly. So he had donned a spandex uniform and memorised the Star Fleet handbook and now returned to his normal duty  
"Halt! This area is off limits to civilians!" He said  
Mortainius had been walking round Nosgoth for half the day and he wasn't in the mood to talk. So he simply waved his hand and the man disappeared   
"Hey! Unfair!" said the door that now held the man's soul  
"Be a good door, man" chuckled Mortainius to himself as he strolled past  
"That joke sucked!!" the Door shouted after him  
The guard decided to make the best of the situation and he made some space age whooshing noise as Mortainius opened the door  
Mortainius found himself in a strange catacomb. He shrugged, he has spent the night in weirder places. Like the Eternal Prison, Oracles cave, Termogent Swamp or that odd flaming hell place he liked to send people to if they were impaled on swords  
He unrolled his sleeping bag and settled down for the night.  
Sleeping in a cave which is more than likely infested with unspeakable demons should be in the top ten of terrifying experiences  
Mortainius wasn't too worried though for he was well aware of what the most terrifying experience of all was  
And that was fear of an unspeakable demon who realises it has a Mortainius sleeping in it's cave  
  
  
"You've turned me into a puppet!" Raziel shouted waving a little felt fist at the man  
"You just said that a minute ago" replied Elzevir  
"Well it hasn't lost any impact for me!" shouted the irate Raziel  
"You should be grateful! You did not survive your impalement, I merely spared you from total dissolution" said Elzevir dramatically  
"Death would be a release, next to this travesty!" Raziel retorted   
"The choice is not yours. The birth of one my abominations traps the essence of life. It is this soul that animates the puppet you 'live' in. Your threads cannot return to the spinning wheel" said Elzevir grandly  
"I am destroyed!"   
"You are, reborn."  
"This is some good stuff..." said a faint voice accompanied by the sound of tentacles taking frantic notes  
This was ignored by both Elzevir and Raziel since they didn't particularly know what the sound of tentacles taking frantic notes was like  
Raziel picked up a puppet bladed staff from a nearby shelf and turned to face Elzevir  
"Haha" said Elzevir "your efforts are wasted Raziel! That weapon no matter how it's wielded is only a puppet weapon, it cannot harm me!"  
Raziel grinned and knocked off the plastic tip of the staff leaving him with a very solid length of oak in his hands  
"Ah..." said Elzevir his grin fading rapidly "forgot about that"  
Raziel swung the stick up with all his might and considering Raziel's present height it isn't too difficult to imagine where an upward swing of a stick would hit  
Elzevir face contorted in pain and his eyes watered  
"Ow..." he said shrilly before he collapsed backwards  
Raziel never realised he had such an affinity for hitting people with sticks and he made a mental note that if he ever got the chance he'd fight only with sticks, preferably pointy ones  
Well.... Until it got boring, then he might use the a sword the odd time.  
"Remind me never to cross you" Said someone behind Raziel  
Raziel spun around to see a puppet William the Just looking warily at the immobile Elzevir  
"You're here too eh?" asked Raziel casually   
"Apparently" said William "I presume the others are here too"  
"No doubt we will go on a Quest!" said Raziel excitedly  
"well I suppose....."   
"And on this quest we will learn" Raziel then took a deep breath   
"That Melchiah's puppet body is falling apart and that he has to take the threads of other puppets just to survive!  
That Zephon has Velcro on his hands and feet allowing him to climb great heights!  
That Rahab is made entirely out water proof material that is vulnerable to direct sunlight!   
That Dumah had been made out of a space age fabric that was extremely tough but highly flammable!  
And that Turel has fallen of the face of the planet!"  
"Raziel?" said William tiredly  
"Yes?"  
"There behind you"  
"Oh..." said Raziel as he looked back to see the Sarafan puppets "That was easier than I thought"  
"Falling apart!? Why! I don't see why everyone else has cool powers and I get to fall apart?!" fumed Melchiah  
"Look, it was just a hypothesis..." said Raziel  
"Let's just get out of here" said William before Turel had the chance to ask why he had fallen off the face of the planet "Follow me!!"  
William strode off in a random direction  
"Who died and made you boss?" Said Raziel sullenly  
"Well...... I did" said William simply  
"Oh, okay then! Said Raziel happily "I call second in command!"  
"Fine by me" said William as he looked for an exit  
"Right then!" said Raziel as he turned to face the Sarafan brethren "Turel your third. Dumah, fourth. Rahab, fifth. Zephon, sixth and....er....  
"....Melchiah" said Melchiah   
"Er, yeah! Melchiah is....am.."  
"Seventh" said Melchiah tiredly  
"That's the one!"  
And so the Sarafan puppets lead by William the Just strode defiantly out of the room armed only with there wits.   
So in other words, they were totally unarmed  
  
  
In the swirling mists of the Demon Dimension three figures toiled in an obscure laboratory  
"Our day of vengeance approaches!" A Hylden hissed triumphantly  
"Your day of vengeance more like" said a Fire Demon in a ill fitting lab coat "I don't see any particularly reason why I should go out vengancing..."  
"I thought demons liked to crush and kill stuff" said another Hylden  
"You Hylden and your stereotypes!!" Said the demon as waved his giant hands/claw air emphatically, a gesture which succeeded in ripping apart an already strained lab coat  
"Calm down!" down said one of the Hylden as he backed away nervously  
"No I won't calm down! You people always trying to keep the hardworking demons down! We have to sit in the back of your buses, we're not allowed in your bars when will it all end!?!!" The Fire Demon bellowed  
There was silence  
"We don't have buses" said one of the Hylden  
"And I'm pretty sure we don't have bars" said the other   
"Huh..." said the Demon "I suppose that would explain a lot"  
"Moving on" said one Hylden quickly "has there been any progress on operation Ak Hash Gik?"  
"None" said the other Hylden "But operation Gik Hash Ak different story"  
"Look! I'm in charge here! I get to name the project!" shouted the first Hylden angrily  
"Your so vain! You have to be first don't you!?!" said the other  
"Oh and it's so much better if it's named after you is it!?!" Said the Hylden you judging from this verbal exchange is named Ak  
"Well I just think Gik rolls off the tongue better" said the Gik  
"Well lets see how Gik rolls off my fist!" Said Ak as he leapt at Gik  
The Fire Demon sighed and picked up the two squabbling Hylden  
"Guys, you must realise that I am prepared to kick both your asses" said the demon who thanks to the process of elimination was probably called Hash "I mean I don't want to leave the Demonic Pacifist society but if it's for the good of the project..."  
"He started" it mumbled Gik  
"Did not..." muttered Ak  
"The Project going to be called Hash Ak Gik. And do you know why?" asked Hash calmly  
Both Hylden shook their heads  
"Because I said so, and I'm damn scary"  
Hash placed them both on the ground  
"Understood?"  
Both Hylden nodded  
"Good" said Hash " now go check the readouts"  
Gik walked over to a strange green portal and reached in  
A few seconds later he pulled out a large piece of paper  
"Hey! There's someone in the Avernus pit!" said Gik excitedly  
"Really!?" Said Ak  
"Yeah!' it's ...." there was a pause and Gik's expression turned to disappointment "..it's just a mortal"  
"Damn.." said Ak "thought we got it that time!  
"Are you sure we made it clear to the weird 3-eyed creature that we need a vampire to posses?" asked Gik as he crumpled up the piece of paper  
"Well I did say 'Get us a really strong vampire'" Said Ak  
"Huh..... sure you pronounced vampire right?" said Hash  
"What?!" Ak cried in disbelief  
"Cause half the time I don't know what your saying. I mean you talk to quickly and you kinda hiss all the time. I mean she might have thought you said something totally different" said Gik as he tried to avoid Ak's gaze  
"That would certainly explain this" said Hash as he held up a really strong 'Wham' flyer announcing a concert on the 27th of may  
"I do not talk quickly!" Hissed Ak  
However no response was given as it was that moment the Hylden lord decided to make his enigmatic entrance  
"Any progress gentlemen?" He asked  
"Well sir.." began Gik  
"Just I thought!" said the Hylden lord gruffly "You fools are useless! I should cut off your funding right now!"  
"We don't get funding" said Gik  
"And now you know why!!" said the Hylden lord pointing an accusing finger at Gik  
He spun around and looked Hash straight in the chest, he would have looked him straight in the eye but that would only lead to some serious neck strain  
"What are you staring at?!" Said the Hylden Lord  
"Nothing sir" said Hash calmly "I just wanted to report we have actually made progress"  
"You what?!" said a shocked Hylden lord   
"In fact we have a vessel ready for possession right as we speak. We were just about to test it when..."  
"Nevermind all that!" Snapped the Hylden lord, a lover of interruption "I'll handle it from here! I assume I just walk through that bizarre thing over there to gain control of the host"  
"No sir, that's Ak" said Hash as Ak sniffed and wiped away a tear from his eye  
"I've no time for your techno babble! Just point me to the vessel!" Said the Hylden lord impatiently  
Hash pointed over to a rip in the dimensions that was located next to the lab kettle  
The Hylden lord marched confidently into the portal and vanished  
"Hash, once that mortal vessel degrades he won't be able to return here" said Ak slowly  
"Opps.... Probably should have mentioned that to him" said Hash as he pretended to care  
"But if anyone finds out you'll be burned alive!" said a panicking Gik  
"I'm not too worried" said Hash who subconsciously wondered when the Hylden would realise to quench a Fire Demon alive would be far more effective  
  
  
Vorador trudged through Termogent swamp . He had formulated a brilliant plan to restore his sex dark-god status. He wouldn't head towards Willendorf to confront Moebius as a direct confrontation would only lead to a dance off of Saturday Night Fever proportions  
Instead he would damage the very source of Moebius's new found power  
Vorador would ransack the stronghold destroying every bottle of hair conditioner and any can of hair spray he found  
He chuckled to himself as he thought of the look on Moebius's face when he realised what had happened  
About ten miles away from his destination Vorador began to wish he activated the Bat Beacon near the Stronghold the last time he was there. Then he began to wonder who actually made the Bat Beacons. Since the Ancients have wings and don't turn into bats there be little point for them to make the beacons  
The Divine powers of Nosgoth realised that Vorador had unearthed another of Nosgoths many flaws and it was around that time that Vorador found himself miraculously transported directly to the Sarafan Stronghold  
As the Divine powers has expected Vorador soon forgot about Nosgoth inconsistencies and he focused his attention on his evil plans  
The Giant doors of the Stronghold were wide open as usual since it's just not practical to go all the way to the Light Reaver forge every time you wanted to let a bit of fresh air into the Stronghold  
Vorador walked through the deserted corridors until he reached the open air courtyard in the centre of the Stronghold  
In the centre of the courtyard there was a solitary Sarafan. But this was no ordinary Sarafan for instead of the usual battle armour he wore a pair of sunglasses and a suit and tie  
"Mr. Vorador" the Sarafan said "Surprised to see me?"  
"Not really" said Vorador who had accepted the fact that there was bound to be some Sarafan in the Sarafan Stronghold  
"Well you see, the good thing about being a Sarafan" he said calmly "Is that there are so many Sarafan!"  
And in that moment hundreds of Sarafan stepped out from their various hiding places  
"....if now is not a good time, I can call back later" said Vorador desperately  
The Sarafan rushed at Vorador but he dodged every attack and fought back  
Gracefully dodging and striking each Sarafan unlucky enough to get close to him  
But It was only a matter of time before one of the Sarafan got lucky hit and Vorador's time was up  
A Sarafan struck him and Vorador flew backwards and smashed through a park bench he could have sworn wasn't there a minute ago. Vorador recovered quickly and then he pulled a wooden pole, that had a vampires head on it, out of the ground  
The stick was a blur in Vorador's hands as he struck the Sarafan. He spun around and knocking the dozens of Sarafan to the ground.  
But once more the numbers game was too much for Vorador. A Sarafan disarmed him with a lucky hit and he was knocked to the ground   
The others ,sensing their opportunity, jumped on top of Vorador  
"It is inevitable Mr. Vorador " said the Sarafan as a group  
Thinking quickly Vorador activated his Repel spell and the Sarafan were flung into the air  
He then turned into his bat form and made a quick exit from the stronghold  
The Sarafan got back to their feet. They fixed their ties and then they all wandered off in various directions  
  
  
Malek opened his eyes   
Well that's not totally true, he had no eyes. But he activated the his sense of sight somehow  
He was looking at the ceiling and from this information he suspected he was lying on a floor  
Vague memories of potatoes flying at him coupled with the blinding head/helmet ache he was experiencing made him promise to stop buying that extra strength armour polish  
He decided to lie down for a while till the feeling returned to his legs  
But before he remembered that that was never going to happen he saw a strange creature scuttle across the ceiling  
He jumped to his feet and looked around the room warily.   
Suddenly something struck him in the back.  
The Zephonaim hissed triumphantly and sunk it's fangs into Malek's neck  
"See, if it hadn't been for the hissing I might have thought you were just a very attractive woman who couldn't resist my metallic charms" said Malek before he drove his spiritual elbow straight into the Zephonaim's stomach  
The Zephonaim was knocked into the air and landed rather painfully on a metallic spike, since the law of Nosgoth states that any creature thrown in the general direction of a spike on a wall will undoubtedly find itself impaled on a spike on a wall  
Malek looked at his handiwork quite happy in the knowledge that his fighting skills hadn't become rusty over the years  
Cause when your Malek, rust is a real problem  
But then someone behind him screamed  
"Oh my Dark Gods! What have you done to Garath!" A woman cried as she ran over to the impaled Zephonaim  
"He tried to kill me!" said Malek in his defence  
"And you didn't let him! What kind of a Vampire Worshipper are you?!" she snapped at him as she tried to pull the Zephonaim off the spike  
"Worshipper?!" said Malek "I kick vampire ass, not kiss it!"  
She froze but she didn't turn around  
"So... you've come to kill me, have you?" she said quietly  
"Er....... Possibly" said Malek who reasoned he probably had some reason for being here  
"Well the High Priestess of the Vampires won't be taken so easily!"  
Yellow energy crackled in her hands and she spun around  
A intense beam of light hit Malek and knocked him into the air  
He felt like he was being ripped apart by the beam but he still managed to do a graceful somersault and land on his feet. A move he seldom did as it made him look like a twit.  
He looked around but the Priestess was gone.   
"Odd" he said to himself as he scratched his head  
Then he realised while he was scratching his head it felt very cold and metallic  
The fact that his head was cold and metallic didn't bother him but the fact that he could feel that it was cold and metallic was quite startling  
Then he looked down at his arm and was stunned to see.... His arm  
"This must be a dream..." he muttered to himself  
"This must be a nightmare!" said a voice in his mind  
"Who's there!?" Said Malek   
"What have you done to me?!? what have you done?!" The voice hissed  
"oh, I wondered where you had got to" said Malek as he recognised the voice of the priestess ".... In fact I still wonder where you've gone"  
"You turned me in to armour!!" She cried at him  
The Priestess had long relied on her power to possess the bodies of others in order to protect herself. So when she realised Malek was not a Vampire Worshipper she reacted as always with a possession spell. Of, course she never bothered to actually look properly at Malek since Humans were all basically the same anyway. So her body dematerialised and she projected her soul into Malek  
Malek's soul, which had been involuntarily possessing the armour for hundreds of years was knocked out of the armour as the priestess soul replaced his  
And so with the possession spell that bound Malek to his armour finally over his body rematerialised inside his armour.   
But Malek of course didn't know this, but quite frankly he didn't care  
"I'm alive!!" He shouted in triumph  
  
  
It was around was 2:42 Pm when Thaddeus and his mysterious saviour rolled into Uschtenteim  
Considering the sun had set an hour ago Thaddeus started to question the quality of his new watch  
Several peasants were hanging round in the streets   
Since the death of Janos Audron nearly 500 years ago the locals could now walk the streets, no longer living in constant fear of being invited to Janos's aerie for a cup of tea and a chat  
Thaddeus's journey from Coorhagen had been a quiet one  
As a general rule Thaddeus approved of silence as it usually meant he was not being beaten up or mugged  
Unless of course he was attacked by a vicious mime . But the chances of that happening twice in the same week were relatively slim  
But the silence between two people who haven't tried to hurt each other is just uncomfortable so Thaddeus tried to strike up some conversation  
"Er..... so... who are you?"  
"I have come form the future to prevent a catastrophe" replied the man  
"Like......to save the world" said a slightly confused Thaddeus  
"No, actually to ensure the world is doomed" Said the Man  
".....oh" said Thaddeus realising this encounter probably was not going to end well for him  
"But you see that has to happen to ensure the world can be saved!" the man said quickly  
"I see..." said Thaddeus who didn't really see at all "well.... What are you then?"  
"I am a Vampire"  
"Do all vampires have such big ears" said Thaddeus conversationally  
"Nothing wrong with big ears!" snapped the man  
"Of course! of course!" Said Thaddeus moving on quickly "er..Do you have a name?"  
"I am...... the Turelinator" said Turel  
There should have been a "Dun dun dun...." Or at least a Dramatic silence at this revelation but there wasn't  
"That's nice" said an uninterested Thaddeus  
"I was sent her to save your life by my master" Turel continued in order to get a better reaction from Thaddeus  
"And....why?" said Thaddeus  
"Because your son is the man who will save Nosgoth" Said Turel Dramatically  
"After he dooms it?" Asked Thaddeus  
"Well......yes" Clarified Turel  
"Huh....." said Thaddeus thoughtfully "I thought if you were trying to save my son you'd be minding my wife"  
The Horse and Carriage stopped  
"What...?" said Turel  
"Well.... My wife. I'd just popped out to get some Coors light and Haagen Dass when all this happened" said Thaddeus Airily  
Turel had a look of worry on his face  
"So she's in Coorhagen?"  
"Yes"  
"With that creature who tried to kill you?"  
"Yes"  
There was silence  
"Bugger!" Said Turel angrily as he turned the horse and cart and sped back towards Coorhagen  
  
  
Malek sat in a Tavern humming happily to himself. The pleasures of the flesh we once again his  
And for Malek these pleasures meant a large portion of the day in a Tavern and then a curry  
And later perhaps a trip to Bane's secret greenhouse  
He had left Vampire Temple an hour ago and he was in such a great mood that he only severely hurt any Vampire Worshipper who tried to stop him from leaving  
And for Malek this was the equivalent of giving them a box of chocolates and a bunch of roses  
He had walked down the dusty paths of the human citadel without once wondering why there was so much smoke in the sky obscuring the sun or where the hell he was  
He had stopped a peasant in rather battered clothes and asked him where a man could enjoy himself  
He was given directions to a good Tavern and a even better Brothel.  
But since Malek had never really been a big fan of soup he decided he'd just go to the Tavern.  
And he did all this despite the whining of the priestess as he had never taken off his armour for modesty's sake.  
Since although he had his body back he hadn't been wearing much when he was bound to his armour. Although he didn't complain as getting a body back in the first place was a huge plus  
especially since Malek had a distinct memory of leaving behind a skeleton when he was bound to his armour.   
But then again Mortainius always had been a big fan of the dramatic, I mean he goes around looking like a skeleton half the time when everyone knows he just looks like an normal middle aged man with a dodgy goatee  
Malek's helmet was on the Tavern counter and he sat with a mug of Ale... or Beer.... or possibly Mead  
Well, it was brown anyways  
"I don't want to be armour!" The Priestess lamented "I can't do anything!"  
"Sure you can" said Malek "I mean I walked around, talked to people and killed people"  
"That's impossible!" The Priestess said "You had no body, how could you even move?!"  
"Well, I never really thought about any of that. I mean if I really through about what had happened I would have realised I couldn't do anything" said Malek a man who had been disregarding the laws of the universe for years now  
"Well I do realise I can't do anything!" said The Priestess angrily  
"You can talk" said Malek  
"No I can't, I have no vocal chords!"  
There was silence  
"But your talking to me right now" said Malek slowly  
"Yes but you're the only one who can hear me as I'm using my physic powers to communicate" said The Priestess dissmissivly  
Malek was about to question how a suit of armour could have physic powers but unlike The Priestess he had an in-game upbringing  
Which meant asking questions about obvious inconsistencies like "Why do all the peasants look the same?", "What are those strange red triangles in front of buildings and signposts?" and "Why are there no toilets in Nosgoth?" was frowned upon  
He shrugged and finished drinking his Ale/Beer/Mead/Unpleasant looking brown stuff in a glass  
He picked up his helmet from the counter and left the tavern  
Normally a barkeeper would chase after a man who hasn't paid for his drinks, but this barkeeper was just happy to see Malek leave  
Because even in a world ruled by vampires it's still unsafe to demand money off a heavily armoured man who's been talking animatedly to himself for a half hour  
Malek put on his helmet and looked north  
"Where are you going to go now" asked The Priestess  
"Back to my Bastion replied Malek "I need to get some clothes"  
"But you always wear the armour" said the priestess confused  
"Yeah" agreed Malek "But it's not right to have a Sarafan Highpriest running around Nosgoth with no pants on!"  
  
  
Popeland: Mortainius, sleeping in a cave!  
The Sarafan, still Puppetised!  
Vorador, planning his revenge after escaping a copyright infringing battle!  
Malek, human, pantsless, Armour possessed by the Priestess and unknowingly stranded in the future!  
...Yeah, that was a very Malek based chapter wasn't it?  
And those unimportant characters still doing stuff!  
Can you take the excitement?!!  
Please Review!! 


	3. Chapter 3

Popeland: Word to all my homepeople  
And they tried to tell me I wasn't "hip", eh?  
Anyways, it's the much anticipated third chapter of Prefiance!  
Hurrah!  
Does anyone care? Maybe not!  
Now a review response, from the passssssssstttt

Varewulf: Yes, Tomato is a fruit. And Jaffa cakes are officially classified as being cakes  
They're biscuits! They can't do that!  
Oh and thanks for the review

Twilight Tenshi- What do you mean you should have expected puppets to be in this!  
Or you implying I'm not cutting edge? That hurts like daggers that does  
And they name PopeLord is always a viable alternative on the ego trip days  
I love those days

Uberlord John IX - More about the Circle members you say? Right so  
And Vorador may beat the Time Streamer... Unless he doesn't  
Then he'll probably lose

Fangy - I am Awesome. I am also Pope  
Your observations are valid and noted. Thank you  
And you only had to wait like.. less than a year for an update  
Nifty huh?

Shadesofblood- I trip people  
It's a hobby.

Xargon- LoK is hard to stick by now they took away my beloved script based fics...  
So hard... And I'm lazy  
But I j00 r0ck  
Whatever that may mean

BearVsChris- Ah mister Christopher McBearston  
There are no toilets in Nosgoth for a very good reason. That I reveal later on  
How later you ask?... what do I look like! Some sort of time approximating machine?  
But I did continue Prefiance as you sort requested in your The Mighty Have Fallen review  
So you must be laughing it up

Those reviews are so very old  
I didn't think I started this so long ago  
Ah well, onwards and upwards... or backwards and downwards

Many people believe when we sleep our minds are freed from the confines of reality. Our conscienceness can flit across space and time with the greatest of ease. Here the choice of destination is limitless and many will try to seek out kindred spirits.  
Of course that theory is completely wrong but it is useful in trying to explain the following scene.  
For in a nondescript park, on a nondescript bench sat three very discript individuals feeding the ducks.  
"And you know what he calls himself? He-Man!" Said Skelator disgustedly  
"..it's pretty pathetic really... I mean you don't go around calling yourself Bone Skeleton do you?" said Mortainius  
"I know!" said Skelator  
"Heroes are a unoriginal lot though. I mean my arch nemesis is called Captain America. Ohh a military title and a country! Fantastic!" said The Red skull angrily  
"Well in Nosgoth there are no good guys and evil guys. Which really gets to me! I can be as evil as I want but people just refuse to stereotype me! I put a guys soul in a coffee mug last week and no one said anything!"  
"Oh don't worry, you'll get your get your big break soon enough" said Skelator sympathetically  
"Yeah, it'll happen" agreed the Red Skull "just do something like murdering someone that is so vital that their death will send the world spiralling into decay ... Or you could kick a puppy"  
"Kick a puppy! That's sick!" Said a disgusted Mortainius  
"Yeah... that is going a bit too far I suppose" the Red Skull admitted  
"The murder ones not a bad idea though" said Skelator thoughtfully  
"Yeah. I'm sure I could come up with a devious plan" said Mortainius "Thanks for the help guys"  
Suddenly a huge shadow fell across the bench.  
"Er...hiya guys" said a very nervous voice  
"Oh not you again" sighed Skelator "what is it this time?"  
"Can I join your group!" The voice pleaded  
"Look, Summon Skull. You're a nice lad but I don't think you have the right evilness to join the group"  
"Ah come on!" Cried the enormous Summon Skull "If someone really evil had my card I'd do really evil stuff!"  
"It's the not the same and you know it" said Mortainius "You must be heartless and have the blackest soul to join our association of eternal evil"  
"I brought pie"  
There was silence  
"... Is that capitalist pie?" said the Red Skull warily  
"Um... I don't think so"  
"Then welcome to the group comrade Summon Skull!" said the Red skull as he grabbed the pie  
It was at that moment that the Hylden Lord walked past the group looking bemused  
"You there! Are any of you from Nosgoth!" barked the Hylden Lord  
"I am" said Mortainius looking up from the pie  
"Aahaha!" said the Hylden Lord  
Suddenly the Hylden lord leapt at Mortainius. Instead of crashing into each other the Hylden Lord seemed to merge with Mortainius.  
Mortainius let out a blood curdling scream and vanished  
There was a moment of stunned silence  
"...Does that mean I get his share of pie?" Said the Red Skull eventually  
"What! did you not just see what happened!" Said a disgusted Skelator "He pointed at me so I get his pie!"  
"Hey! His pie is my pie you know!"  
"No it's not! Communism doesn't apply to pie damn you!"  
Skelator and the Red Skull argued heatedly for the next hour  
However Summon Skull realising what he had just signed himself up for started to edge away and a few moments later he was already chatting with Ifrit to see if he could join the summoned monster club.

Deep in the heart of the Oracles cave, the Chronoplast crackled into life. Sensing the activity a tentacle erupted out of the ground. A portal appeared and a bottle emerged from it. The tentacle caught it easily and then the portal vanished  
The tentacle uncorked the bottle and took out a note that had been placed inside.  
The message read

Dear Me  
It has come to my attention that Malek the Paladin has some how arrived in my time period. The fact that he is supposed to be dead for hundreds of years doesn't seem to be affecting him. I wish you to take some measure to return Malek to his original time frame as he is messing up some of your more daring future plans

Your sincerely  
The Elder God

The Elder God wondered how this could have happened. Surely Moebius would have informed him if something like this had happened.  
But come to think of it he hadn't actually seen Moebius in a while...  
Something smelled fishy  
And for once, it wasn't the Elder God

"Hey Janos" muttered Vorador as he sat down and buried his face in claws  
"Hello there Vorador" Janos replied  
"Moebius's forces overwhelmed me at the Stronghold and I had to retreat" said Vorador despairingly  
"Ah well, these things happen" said Janos reassuringly  
"I'm sorry master" wailed Vorador  
"Ah well I'm sure you learned from your mistakes" said Janos  
"Moebius has won!" sobbed Vorador  
"Oh has he? Shame really" said Janos  
"You're right!" exclaimed Vorador, jumping to his feet  
"What about it being a shame? Yeah I suppose I am" said a slightly confused Janos  
"I'll build my own army and fight Moebius!" said Vorador defiantly  
"What? I never said that" said Janos suspiciously  
"The pathetic mortal will shake in fear before the legions of my army of the undead!"  
"Hello? Vorador? Are you ignoring me?" said Janos waving a claw in front of the vampires face  
"And I shall rend his flesh and destroy his soul!"  
"Quit ignoring me! You're still young enough to be put over my knee young man!" said Janos threateningly and he rose to his feet  
"And the world will tremble! Tremble before me! And the world will be covered in the blood of my enemies  
"Seems like an awful waste..." sighed Janos as he sat down again  
"Thank you for your guidance master! I will put your plan into action as quickly as possible" said Vorador  
"What plan? Actually looking for my heart and not lazing around this place?" said Janos sullenly  
"I will rule Nosgoth in your name!" said Vorador  
"Yeah spell it right. Not like on those damned birthday cards. I mean Yanus?" muttered Janos  
Vorador ran up the crypt stairs excitedly  
"Not even a goodbye eh?" sniffed Janos "No one every takes you into consideration when you're dead"  
He looked over his spectral shoulder and saw his dead body  
"And you can stop bloody well grinning as well" he said bitterly

Mortainius awoke and got to his feet. There was no transition. One moment he was asleep on the floor and then he was standing vertically adjusting his golden ribcage. It was an unsettling sight. Then again Mortainius in general was an unsettling sight.  
He knew he had had a dream during the night but he couldn't remember it  
He just assumed it was the one where he crushed all his enemies (i.e. everyone)  
He had that dream quite a lot  
Mortainius decided he had quite enough of the catacombs of Avernus and so he headed for the doors  
"Whoosh" the door said half heartedly as it was pushed open.  
Azimuth was still on her throne looking into a dimensional rift.  
"You just know the holodeck going to go haywire" she muttered to herself  
"I'd like to thank you for allowing me to stay here" said Mortainius  
"Hmmm? Oh, yes. No problem" she said dissmissivley "Tell me Mortainius. Would you like to join the United Federation of Planets?"  
"I don't have a planet" replied Mortainius simply  
"oh... I see" Said Azimuth disappointedly "Good day to you then"  
Mortainius bowed and turned to leave the cathedral  
"Funny" Azimuth thought to herself as she watched Mortainius with her third eye "He has the except same aura as that Hylden Lord fellow"  
Perhaps if she had mentioned it there and then things would have turned out different  
But unfortunately as she went to call Mortainius back the hologram of professor Moriarty seized control of the starship Enterprise  
And Azimuth was far more interested in future Sherlock Holmesesque villainy than the regular demonic possession sort.

The balance of power in Nosgoth had been disrupted by a great power.  
Ariel, Guardian of this Balance could do nothing to halt it as she too was in the thrall of the power.  
And at the moment this great power was relaxing in the "Soul Trader" night-club in Willendorf.  
This power was of course Moebius who was now retelling the story of how he killed every ancient vampire in Nosgoth using only a paper clip and his wits to group of women who were sitting beside him and staring at him adoringly  
"And then I says "You may have your army of millions of vampires but I have my wits!"" said Moebius dramatically "And then I crushed then all in a exciting and dynamic manner that I can't remember at the moment"  
The women around him swooned and he took a sip from his tequila  
"Now if you'll excuse me for a moment I must go to the bathroom" Moebius said as he got up from his seat  
"Don't leaveeeee!" the women pleaded  
"Don't worry, I'll be back in a minute and then I'll tell you the story of how I built the eternal prison, using only a paper bag.. and my wits!" Moebius exclaimed  
The women squealed excitedly and Moebius ambled off to the bathroom  
The toilets had been installed in the "Soul Trader" night-club due to popular demand. But the owner of the club had no idea of the curse that affected all toilets of Nosgoth  
This curse that Moebius was about to experience first hand...  
"I'm too sexy for my staff, too sexy for my staff, too sexy by farrrr" Moebius sang to himself as he stood in front of the mirror, fixing his hair  
Behind him a toilet flushed. This didn't surprise Moebius. Although bathrooms were rare in Nosgoth everyone had a basic idea of what went on in them. But the next thing did scare him  
"Hello Moebius" said the Elder God  
"warggggh!" screamed Moebius dropping his comb and spinning around  
"You seem a little jumpy" noted the Elder God  
"What are you doing in here!" said Moebius  
"Eternally present, you know. Here and everywhere now and always" replied the Elder God somewhat smugly  
"That shouldn't extend to bathroom! It's just plain freaky!" retorted Moebius  
"Do not talk to your god like that!" said the elder god  
"I don't need you anymore!" shouted Moebius, running his fingers through his hair "I'm popular now"  
"Oh do not trust the fickle people and their pathetic ways" said the elder God "Only trust me, for I am eternal and infinitely awesome"  
"You're nothing!" spat Moebius "I refuse to listen to you ever again. Good bye!"  
Moebius turned around and strode out of the bathroom  
"Well you can kiss my omnipresent ass you useless little ingrate!" the Elder god shouted after him "Oh you'll be back! You'll be back! For I have ways, other agents to work through!"  
This wasn't exactly true  
He had a way and an agent to work through  
But gods are allowed to exaggerate

Anarcrothe skulked in the corridors of the Sarafan Stronghold. Usually he didn't leave his impenetrable fortress room but his supply room had run out of napkins  
He moved as stealthily as possible for someone wearing full robes The result of this sounded vaguely like a stampede of cloth elephants.  
But the staff of the stronghold knew well to ignore the purple robed man. because for a coward he was ridiculously confrontational.  
He walked slowly down the corridor, making sure no one saw him. He heard footsteps approaching  
With now here to hide he tried his best to look like a tree  
Mortainius stumbled round the corner.  
His eyes were flashing green and there was a strange glow around his body  
The Hylden Lord had awakened in his subconscious, and now attempted to take over. But Mortainius's will was strong and he had so far been kept at bay. But it would not last  
"Anarcrothe!" Wheezed Mortainius as he clutched onto the alchemist and pulled him close "Help me!"  
"Help you?" scoffed Anarcrothe as he pushed Mortainius back "Look here you mobile corpse! I don't help anyone!"  
Mortainius stumbled backwards clutching his head  
"Don't make me angry... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry"  
"Mortainius, I don't like you anyway! And I can't see think of any possible event that would make me dislike you more!" spat Anarcrothe  
Mortainius began to twitch and fell to his knees  
"Run" he gasped  
"Run? Are you implying I'm sort of coward? Eh! Eh! Is that your game is it!"  
There was a flash of intense green light. Anarcrothe fell back dazed  
When the light has dissipated Mortainius had disappeared and had been replaced by an enormous black demon. There Hylden Lord had managed to change Mortainius body into the bizarre but powerful form the Hylden took in the normal realm. But there was still the conscious struggle between the minds of Mortainius and the Sarafan lord and so the demonic beast was under no one control  
"What the..." said Anarcrothe as he looked at the demon  
The demon looked down at him and grinned menacingly  
"Oh" said Anarcrothe "Is that supposed to intimidate me then?  
The beast nodded  
"Oh it is, is it? Yeah well I've got bad new for you bub! It's not working" Anarcrothe leant forward menacingly and poked the demon in the chest  
The demon was slightly taken aback, this wasn't supposed to happen  
"Yeah, think you're so tough with your big demon horns and purple tattered pants" said Anarcrothe as he advanced rolling up his sleeves "well if your so tough fight me!  
The demon smiled again and cracked it's knuckles  
" So it's a fight then?" said Anarcrothe jumping from one foot to the other  
The demon nodded  
"Oh right so" said Anarcrothe  
Anarcrothe spun around and ran off at high speeds  
The Demon tried to follow but Anarcrothe was too fast  
He didn't even slow down when he hit the 5 foot think reinforced wall of the stronghold  
The demon looked after him and shrugged  
There was other things to do  
He beat his chest and bellowed at the top of his voice  
"Hash smash puny humans!" and then it leapt off

The Sarafan puppets walked carefully though Elzevir's mansion  
"This place is weird..." said Zephon as a little stuffed teddy bear marched past them  
"Ah it's not that bad. Remember that time we sneaked into Mortainius's room and his furniture kept talking to us?" said Turel  
"Oh yeah... He sure is a guy you want to avoid when he's one of his damning for all eternity moods" said Rahab  
"He's always in a damning for all eternity mood" added Dumah  
"And that is why we never talk to him" said Raziel sagely  
"Has anyone thought about what we'll do once we get out" asked Turel  
The assembled puppets were quiet for a moment  
"Well I suppose we could all make our own little puppet clans and stuff" suggested Zephon  
"I suppose..." said Raziel as he thought about it  
"What would you call yours?" Asked Zephon as they started walking again  
"Los Banditos definitely" replied Raziel "how about you Zephon?"  
"Oh the Spider-Individuals"  
"I'd have the Jets" said Turel  
"The Grammafan" said Rahab  
"I'd call mine Dumahana Ross And the supremes"  
There was a brief silence  
"Damn it Dumah, you're good at this" said Raziel  
"What about you Melchiah?" asked Turel  
"Oh?" Said Melchiah "Who hadn't really been thinking about it. "I don't know, Melchiahaim or something"  
"Oh man! That sucks! You just put aim at the end of your name!" said Razeil disgustedly  
"Oh who cares! It's not going to happen is it? We're puppet you idiots! Why would we have clans?" shouted Melchiah  
"Way to ruin the game..." muttered Turel  
"Can't ever let us have fun? "Oh no guys, don't drink that floor cleaner", "You shouldn't set that cat on fire" and "But I don't want to streak through the circle meeting room". You're a kill joy even when you're dead" said Raziel sullenly  
William was wisely walking several steps ahead of the Sarafan brethren.  
They were nice guys yeah, but you couldn't help feel that as you talked your brain cells were by the 100th floor window preparing to jump  
So when the trap activated and the giant weight fell from the roof only William was crushed  
"William!" Said a shocked Raziel as he ran forward  
The weight would have crushed a normal man flat. And puppets aren't exactly built to be study  
"Yeah... I think he's dead" said Turel  
"Oh... I see... Shame really" said Dumah  
"Nice guy really"  
"Yep"  
The brethren stood around for a few minutes  
"I guess I'm in charge then" said Raziel after a suitable period of mourning (20 seconds)  
"What? No! William is dead so the previous arrangement is invalidated" argued Zephon  
"I call Leader!" Shouted Dumah  
"You can't do that! That's cheating!"  
"Is not! It was open and I called for it!  
Melchiah sighed and sat down  
"I envy you William" he muttered  
"My good looks or just in general?"  
"Well I was actually referring to the fact that your dea-" Melchiah stooped "William?  
"Yes?"  
"You're alive?"  
"I don't know, It's very dark. I think I ascended to a higher plain of existence" came the muffled reply  
"You were crushed by a weight" Melchiah clarified  
"Oh.. darn it... well be a good man and get it off me"  
Melchiah wasn't sure how he go about moving the weight. Being a puppet and all  
He caught the edge and lifted.  
The weight spun into the air and crashed through the wall.  
"Nifty" said William "How'd you do that"  
"I just... tried to move it" said Melchiah dumb struck  
"I see. Well, moving onto more important matters I seem to be completely flat" commented William slowly  
"So it would seem." Said Melchiah as he stared at with hands with a mixture of fear and amazement  
"...as a former king I'm not used to asking for help but since I do appear to be completely flat I suppose I can make an exception" continued William  
"Really?"  
"Yes"  
"..."  
"Help me up Melchiah" said William eventually, after coming to the conclusion that with the company Melchiah kept subtlety wouldn't be one of his strong points  
"Oh yeah right"  
Melchiah picked William off the floor and shook him a bit till he filled out again  
"Good as new" said Melchiah as he dropped William to the floor " So... Ho did being crushed feel?"  
"Kinda tingly" said William as he wiggled his arms around  
"...Are you even hurt?"  
"No... I don't think so"  
Suddenly the realization of this all hit him  
"We're invincible!" exclaimed William  
He patted Melchiah on the back. Melchiah was launched forwards and smashed through a wall  
"Oh... opps..." said an embarrassed William  
"I think we may be really strong as well..." Said Melchiah as he climbed out of a pile of masonry  
"So we're powerful and invincible?" mused William as he stroked his chin  
"And a foot high" added Melchiah  
"Yeah, but we're practically Gods!"  
"...short gods"  
"Yes, short gods"  
"Made of fabric"  
"Well yeah.."  
"And ones you'll have to be careful with the smiting in case the felt wears out"  
"... Do you have to look on the down side of everything?"  
"You try living with them for your entire life and see how bloody well up beat you are! Said Melchiah pointing at the Sarafan  
William looked over to see Dumah jumping up and down on Zephon while Turel and Rahab were kicking Raziel  
"Why are they fighting?" William asked  
"To see who's in control now that your dead" said Melchiah as he sat down again  
"I'm not dead" said William, who thought it would be a good move to state the obvious as often as possible when around the Sarafan brethren. Just to remind them  
"Yeah well I'm not telling them" said Melchiah stubbornly

"Go, go, go!" Turel hissed as they raced towards Coorhagen  
"We shouldn't go back you know" said Thaddeus  
"You're wife could be dead!"  
"She could yeaaah... But more likely there'll be all.. "Thaddeus waved his fingers about "womanly stuff"  
"What!" said Turel  
"Well you know... with the baby and stuff. I haven't been in the house for nine months. Probably full of the wives friends . It's tradition or something. You know..." Thaddeus waved his fingers about again "But the innkeeper let me set up a tab though so I get by"  
"Well I'm willing to risk it!" said Turel  
"Yeah well I'm not" said Thaddeus "I'll be getting off here"  
"No you won't!" barked Turel "You need to show me here you live"  
"Well I'm waiting outside!" said Thaddeus unhappily  
Five minutes later, they arrived outside house. Thaddeus house was at the end of a long alleyway, it was the only place he could get it built.  
It wasn't particularly magnificent, as the Coorhagen planning department wouldn't let anyone build a big elaborate house as it would interfere with the look of the town. The look of the town being the same as every other town in Nosgoth. Many people suspect that there is one very rich building materials provider in Nosgoth  
Turel jumped down from the cart and headed into the house  
"Good luck!" Thaddeus shouted after him  
"Oh don't be absurd, what's going to happen" laughed Turel  
About twenty seconds later there was a series of screams and Turel ran out of the house.  
"I got as far as the kitchen and then they all started shouting at me and one had a frying pan, and...and... the horror" whispered Turel. He leaned against a wall and slowly slid to the ground  
"There, there" said Thaddeus patting him on the back "I only made it as far as the hat stand when I went in looking for my wallet"  
"I got to the stairs but I've blocked out the rest of my memories. You know.. womanly stuff" said a peasant waving his fingers about  
"What is it with the fingers... Wait, you!" Said Turel pointing at the man  
"Yes?"  
"You're that evil Hylden assassin!" said Turel accusingly  
"Yes?" replied the Hylden  
"I'm here to stop you" said Turel jumping to his feet  
"You and what army?" said the Hylden smugly  
"... there's only one of you" said Turel  
The man snapped his fingers and ten other men emerged from the shadows, their eyes glowing with green energy  
"Really?" the Hylden said grinning  
"Okay, eleven ... but you wouldn't need an army" said Turel  
The eleven Hylden morphed into their strange grotesque forms and advanced on Turel  
"Do you have some plan?" asked Thaddeus Hopefully  
"Well, I could use my telekinesis to stop one maybe two of them" said Turel as he backed away from the Hylden  
"..we're going to die aren't we?" said Thaddeus  
"No, no, no..." said Turel and Thaddeus seemed to brighten up considerably, until Turel added "you're going to die, I'm just going to be dead properly afterwards"  
"Let's hide" said Thaddeus desperately  
"Only place is our house" said Turel  
Oh yeah.. " Thaddeus waved his fingers about "don't want to be going in there then"  
"Yeah" agreed Turel  
"Well... it was... Interesting knowing you" sighed Thaddeus  
"Same to you"  
The first Hylden struck Thaddeus in the chest and sent his crashing to the ground. Turel fought valiantly against three but even if he managed to immobilise one, another simply replaced him  
The outcome, looked bleak  
In fact, a lot of things did as it had suddenly gotten very dark  
The Hylden stopped momentarily and looked up to the sky  
"What in the.." one began but he never finish  
A huge hulking beast fell from the sky and crushed him into the ground  
"Hash smash!" the creature bellowed  
The Hylden scattered around with a look of fear on their twisted faces.  
But then, the creatures eyes glowed green  
"What are you slackers doing? Slacking eh? I knew it! You no good bunch of worthless.." the Hylden lord stopped looking for the right word "Slackers!"  
"My Lord? Is it you!" said one of the terrified Hylden, who recognised the lack of diplomacy and tact and came to the conclusion it could be only one person  
"Of course it's me, what are you people looking at! This isn't a holiday you know! Why aren't ...ah!"  
The Hylden Lord screamed clutched his head  
"Sir, what's wrong?" asked one of the Hylden advancing slowly  
"Nothing! I don't need you're help, you insignificant fool! It's just.. indigestion or or..agggghhhhh!  
The beast head snapped backwards and the glow disappeared.  
"...sir?" said one of the Hylden carefully  
The demon best roared and leapt at the Hylden  
They screamed and began to run, but the creature was in hot pursuit  
"...Thaddeus?"  
"Yes?"  
"What did you just see?"  
"All enveloping darkness?"  
"... Open your eyes..."  
Reluctantly, Thaddeus opened his eyes and saw they were alone in the street  
"Would you believe me if I told you a giant black demon creature wearing the remains of a purple pair of pants fell from the sky, talked to them for a while and then chased them off?" inquired Turel  
Thaddeus brow furrowed as he thought  
"well.. perhaps a few hours in the tavern will give your story more credibility" he hazarded  
Turel looked at the shattered ground where the creature had landed  
"Yeah, perhaps that'd be the best"

What started as a minor inconvenience has escalated into crisis that threatened the very stability of Willendorf  
It was only hours since the Circle Guardian had left Willendorf, but the effects were almost immediate  
All the women of Willendorf had packed up and followed him. The men were left in confusion and fear  
Fires swept through the city as men attempted to make their own dinners and Willendorf's economy collapsed as brothels were forced to close  
Reports had indicated that Moebius had already controlled vast citadel to the north  
The city was in chaos  
King Augustus Ottmar sat on his throne in deep thought  
He'd have killed for a cup of tea. But when he asked one of the male courtiers they'd panicked and thrown themselves out the window.  
Ottmar had tried to rally the army of Hope but the army was in disarray after the loss of the Commander Imrok the Reliable, who went a bit strange after he couldn't find a change of socks as his housekeeper had ran off after Moebius.  
Augustus knew their was only one solution  
"Fetch me my son" he said to told a courtier  
The courtier left and moments later he returned with the kings son, who was clutching a bottle of whiskey  
"My son, time grows short. As you know a great power has spirited away our women folk. I'm giving you the task of reclaiming them. All the resources of the Kingdom shall be available to you. Do not fail me my son" said Augustus gravely  
The kings son, Ozzy Ottmar swayed slightly before he lifted up the whiskey bottle  
"Rock and roll!" he slurred before he downed the rest of the bottle  
He threw the bottle over his shoulder and stumbled out of the throne room  
Augustus Ottmar wondered if he had made a good decision  
He needn't have worried, because God talked to his son  
And God said "Let's put that that time streaming git in his place"

Bane, The Guardian of nature had gone to DeJoules room to tell her that the Triad was having a meeting. The Triad was the most powerful collection of sorcerers after the circle itself, containing Anarcrothe, DeJoule and Bane  
They came together to plot evil , plan on creating Dark Eden and play air hockey  
But, DeJoule's room was empty. All that was there was a note saying she had left the stronghold to follow the great Moebius  
Bane panicked. He liked the Triad, it filled up his time. Gave him support when the hedge groves started picking on him  
Bane searched for Anarcrothe, he didn't expect to find him but he thought he'd better.  
After about thirty seconds of fruitless searching he gave up. There was only one other person he could think that could help  
And so, Bane undertook a long and difficult journey  
Well, it wasn't actually that far away but he had to go through a forest and the trees kept taking digs at him as he passed.  
But it didn't matter, he was here now. Bane entered the chamber carefully  
"A circle guardian? Seeking wisdom?" someone said from inside "Botany has thought you well"  
"Oh wise oracle!" Bane said, falling to his knees "give me the answers I seek"  
"I hope you're making sure the answers you have to annual Nosgoth pop quiz are correct. Remember last year? The fiasco about the guardians?" said the Oracle  
"But there are only nine guardians" said Bane  
"No! There are ten! But one guards a sword and doesn't go to meetings!" Said the Oracle angrily  
"Ooookay" said Bane slowly " but that's not what this is about"  
"Sure it's not" said the Oracle sullenly " What is it then"  
"Alas, oh wise one! The one known as Moebius has caused great hardship throughout the lands! For he has new and powerful magic!"  
"He does?" said the Oracle  
The Oracle looked into the pot of visions and unsurprisingly a picture of Moebius stared right back out at him  
"Well will you look at that, the glossy sheen, the divine curls and what not" commented the Oracle "Sorry Bane, you could not hope to defeat one so sexy"  
"but.. but.. Nooo!" cried Bane  
"Yeah, well. Sorry to rush off but I need to go and er...do things..."  
The Oracle turned to leave but Bane crawled forward and grabbed the Oracle's robe  
"Please help! Please, please!" Bane pleaded "He's lured away DeJoule! You can't have a Triad with two people! You can't! It'd be a duo! And me and Anarcrothe just aren't dynamic enough to be a duo!"  
The Oracle stopped for a moment  
"He lured a way DeJoule..." the Oracle repeated "how?"  
"With all his witchcraft and after shave and stuff!" replied Bane "He's luring all the women away"  
"...he is?" said the Oracle  
Bane nodded frantically  
"Well, that does it! No more mister nice Oracle!" the Oracle said angrily  
He flipped down his hood to reveal a bald head and an infinity sign on his forehead  
"Hey, you look a lot like..." Bane began  
"Yes, yes, it has been mentioned to me before " said the Oracle testily "but come Bane! We have a mission!"  
"You'll help me?" asked Bane  
"Yes!"  
"Hurrah!" said Bane scrambling to his feet "But what should I call you?"  
"Call me... Moesph"

Malek trudged through the blizzard. The cold was do intense ice was forming on his body.  
In theory, A Human walking through a blizzard only wearing sections of armour and no actual clothes has all the survival chances of a vampire in a greenhouse on a hot summer's day  
But then again in theory, a creature with no lower jaw shouldn't be able to talk  
And it's reasons like that no one Nosgoth was a fan of Theory  
"Are we there yet?" the Priestess whined  
"No"  
"oh...when will we be there?"  
"About five minutes"  
"You said that an hour ago!" said the Priestess accusingly  
"No, an hour ago I said we'd be there in one hour and 5 minutes" said Malek calmly  
The Priestess was silent for a moment  
"I'm bored!" She moaned  
"I know" said Malek  
"...this isn't annoying you is it?" said the Priestess  
"Not really. My bedroom was directly over Ariels for 200 years so I've learned to deal with incessant whining" said Malek  
The Priestess muttered angrily to herself. That was her only weapon against the heretic who had imprisoned her in the armour. If only she could contact lord Kain and tell him of the infidel who had abducted her  
Once she was free she could resume her duties of living in fear, worshipping deformed monsters and giving her blood...  
Perhaps, she thought in retrospect, this isn't so bad  
"We're here" said Malek  
"About time!" snapped the Priestess  
The giant wooden doors of the Bastion were locked but Malek always brought a key  
A key in the shape of his head hitting the door repeatedly until it opened  
A few seconds later Malek walked into the bastion  
"Ow... next time tell me when your going to do something like that" said a dazed Priestess  
"No" said Malek plainly  
"What creature dares enter the Citadel of Dumah?" A voice bellowed  
"No, no. This is my Bastion. Maybe it's the Sarafan Armour that's got you confused. I'm Malek. Dumah's been dead for around 500 years now." Said Malek "Actually funnily enough I've kinda been dead nearly as long but that's another story"  
The man eyes narrowed and he glared at Malek  
"Human!" he screamed  
Malek peered at the man for a moment  
"Vampire!" he cried  
"You shall die a slow and painful death!" hissed the vampire as he drew his sword  
"Yeah well you will die a quick but reasonably gruesome death!" replied Malek  
"Oh don't be absurd he's a vampire and you're a mortal and.. oh my god!"  
"What?" asked Malek  
"How did you just do that?" said the Priestess in disbelief  
"Do what?"  
"You just caught that guys he and then there was a blur and then... then..." the Priestess fell silent  
"Oh that, yeah. It's a gift" said Malek absentmindedly as he tried to scrape the blood of his hand  
"...who are you?" said the Priestess  
"Malek, Highpriest of the Sarafan and Guardian of Conflict" said Malek as he looked around for a hand basin  
"But you died centuries ago!" said the Priestess  
"Yes, yes. Body armour necro fusion" said Malek, tired of hearing the story  
"No, as in you were killed good and proper by "Lord Kain"  
"Bane you say! Said Malek  
"No Kain!" repeated the Priestess  
"Oh... but Bane has been giving me odd looks lately" said Malek suspiciously  
"Do you have any idea where you are!" continued the Priestess  
"Sure... I'm..." Malek looked around at the snow "...North"  
"This is thousands of years in the future! Vampires rule the world and humans live in constant fear!"  
"Oh, right" said Malek "I suppose I'd better kill them all then"  
"...you what?" said the Priestess slowly  
"Yeah, while I'm here I suppose" said Malek  
"But there are millions!"  
"Nah, I'd say. Maybe one hundred and fifty" said Malek peering at the advancing legions of Dumahaim  
"Are you going to fight them!" asked the terrified Priestess  
"Are you kidding?" laughed Malek and he ran out of the citadel  
"Oh right, sorry" said the Priestess as things began to make some bit of sense again  
"I'll go get some pants and then I'll come back" said Malek as the closed the giant doors behind him  
"You're coming back here!"  
"Hey! I'm stranded thousands of years in the future" retorted Malek "This is the first holiday I've ever had!"

Out of the entire Army of Hope, only four men were in somewhat stable states. As one of them was quite adept at making breakfasts, beds, washing clothes and generally keeping the place in order.  
And these four men now trudged through Termogent swamp on a mission  
"Ew... what did I step on!" said Faustus  
"That was my foot" said Magnus  
"Disgusting! I stepped on work boots" Faustus squealed  
"Shut up Faustus" snapped Magnus  
"Sorry if some of us have taste!" said Faustus haughtily  
"Why are we here again?" whined Marcus  
"Because Prince Ottmar ordered us to" said Magnus for the seventh time in an hour  
"Prince Ottmar! Pah! I never voted for him" said Marcus moodily  
"Remember when I explained the concept of monarchy to you Marcus?" sighed Sebastian  
"...Yes?" Lied Marcus  
"Okay, enough talk. Let's just get this over with. Faustus. Did you bring a bed sheet?" asked Sebastian  
"Yes Sir" said Faustus as he pulled a frilly pink bed sheet out of his back pack  
"That's fruity even for you" commented Sebastian  
"I'm not the one with the Bane the Builder bed spread" replied Faustus  
"It was a present!" retorted Sebastian  
"Guys, shut up" sighed Magnus "If we work together we'll be out of here quicker"  
"Faustus take this corner and climb up that tree. Marcus take this corner and climb up that tree" said Magnus  
Once Faustus and Marcus were in position Magnus and Sebastian caught the corners of the sheet that were hanging down from the trees  
And then they waited  
"...I spy with my little eye" began Marcus  
"Swamp" the other three replied  
"You could have at leas let me finish" he said sullenly  
"... does anyone else hear that?" said Sebastian  
"Hear what?" asked Magnus as he looked around  
"It kinda sounds like ...wings"  
At that moment a huge cloud of bats flew through the clearing and straight towards the four.  
"Hold on tight guys!" Magnus shouted  
The bats hit the sheet but kept moving  
Marcus and Faustus were pulled out of the trees and landed on the ground with a thud.  
They were all pulled along for about 5 feet but then, finally they stopped moving. Magnus and Sebastian quickly tied the bed sheet closed with a length of twine.  
"Aha! We did it! Now Prince Ozzy will have those bats he wanted!" shouted Sebastian triumphantly  
"I wonder what he wants them for?" said Faustus as he struggled to his feet  
"I don't know" shrugged Magnus  
Marcus rolled around on the ground flailing madly  
"They're in my hair!" he screamed  
"You're bald" said Sebastian  
Marcus stopped flailing  
"What? they took my hair!"  
Marcus jumped to his feet and kicked the bag of bats  
"Oof" came a noise from inside  
The four were silent  
"That's not right" said Magnus  
Suddenly a hand ripped a hole in the sheet and somebody clambered out  
"This isn't Willendorf" said Vorador blearily  
Marcus, Faustus and Sebastian began to back away slowly. Magnus on the other hand drew himself up to full height, puffed out his chest and took a step forward  
"Away with you foul fiend of the night!" he bellowed  
"Away with who?" asked a confused Vorador  
"You"  
"Away with me?"  
"Yeah"  
"It'd be difficult to go away without me"  
Magnus stopped for a moment trying to think. It didn't work  
"...Confuse me not with your wicked lies and temptations!" he bellowed  
"Ohh... Just because you were losing" said Vorador smugly  
He rose through his feet and brushed some dirt off his clothes  
"Anyway, could either of you fine fellow point me in the direction of Willendorf" he said politely  
"We shall never show you!" said Marcus defiantly  
"Oh nevermind, there's a sign here" said Vorador as he walked over to the traditional red triangle to read to the sign, he could read the sign from where he was but that's not allowed  
While he was heading to the sign the Sebastian, Faustus, Magnus and Marcus all went into a huddle  
"Did anyone bring a sword!" hissed Magnus  
"No! You're the big brave soldier guy, why didn't you!" said Marcus accusingly  
"Hey! I had to make all the beds, breakfasts, wash the clothes and generally keep things in order this morning! I hadn't time" said Magnus angrily  
"Ha, you big girl you!" laughed Faustus  
"What?" said Magnus in shock "Please, someone give me a moment to recover from the irony of that statement!"  
"Look! We're getting nowhere here! We need to think!" said Sebastian  
"What are we talking about?" asked Vorador  
"You know! That evil tyrannical despot over... Wait... Wah!" said Sebastian as he and the rest quickly broke up their huddle  
"I don't see a tyrannical despot" said Vorador as he looked around "Ah well. Say, you fellows wouldn't be interested in becoming the first in my legion of darkness would you?"  
"Yeah, sure! That'll happen right after Moebius becomes a sex symbol" sneered Marcus  
"Wonderful!" exclaimed Vorador, clapping his claws together  
"Marcus... you do remember the chain of events leading up to this moment don't you?" said Sebastian  
"...oh yeah" said Marcus thoughtfully "I was wondering how I came up with such and outrageous example so quickly"  
The four unarmed soldiers of Willendorf looked as a grinning Vorador advanced upon them  
"Bugger" they said in unison

"Why, why miss Avernus pie!" wailed the two guys on stage as Turel and Thaddeus entered the tavern  
"Bah, Kareoke night" muttered Thaddeus "They won't be long though."  
"Drove the chariot to lake of serenity but the lake of serenity was dry!" The two continued  
Turel and Thaddeus sat down and ordered... whatever it is people drink in Nosgoth, I'm going to say ale  
"Gooood old time a drinking whiskey and rye!"  
...okay, maybe it was whiskey or rye, I don't think it's terribly important in the grand scheme of things  
"So... What's the plan now Mr. Turel" asked Thaddeus before he took a drink of ale  
Turel paused for a moment and waited for the song to end  
"Singing this'll be the day that we diiiiieeeeee" the two cried "This'll be the day that we die!"  
The two men on stage broke down into tears and had to be carried off stage  
"Well, I'd say the Hylden will have their hands, full for a while. So I suppose my mission is complete. I guess I'll be heading home"  
"Oh right... well will you tell me something before you go?" inquired Thaddeus  
"Oh... Okay then" replied Turel  
"What is my son like then?"  
"Oh he's almighty and powerful and rules the entire world with an iron fist"  
"Yeah, yeah, wonderful." Said Thaddeus dissmissively "But has he a surname?"  
"er... I don't think so"  
"Our family has always wanted one" sighed Thaddeus as he took another drink  
"Well...um... I'll be sure to tell him"  
"Hey, you're his son?"  
"Well... yeah" said Turel, now uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation  
"Doesn't that make me your grand father?"  
"er...well... That's a difficult one"" said Turel  
"No it's not! Give your granddad a hug!" said Thaddeus as he jumped up  
Turel stared at him  
"Okay, no more of this for you" he said severely, taking Thaddeus's drink away  
"You're no fun!" Thaddeus muttered sitting down  
In the corner of the tavern the two kareoke performers sobbed quietly to themselves  
"I don't want to die"  
"Neither do I!"  
"I love you man!"  
"I love you too!"  
The men hugged each other and continued you crying  
"You're the best friend I ever had!"  
"And so... wait a minute! Look!"  
The man pushed the other away and pointed at Turel who was still talking to Thaddeus  
"That's... the vessel we had to summon!" exclaimed Dukitt  
"It worked! It worked! We're not going to die!" said Duncan happily  
"We've still got to get him back to Avernus though"  
"Oh yeah..."  
The two were quiet for a moment and then Dukitt said  
"Okay, I'll make the plan, you buy the drinks!"

Popeland: Mortainius, not likeable when angry!  
The Sarafan, quasi-demi-Gods!  
Vorador, building an army!  
Malek, still looking for pants!  
Ozzy Ottmar, Rock and Roll!  
You can also hope that this will be upated slightly sooner!  
Key words there are slightly and hope  
Anyways, Review and/or Die! 


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